I Won’t Say Date Better Men, I Will Say Read the Red Flags

By: H.T., H.T.’s Blog

Whenever I look at Hurt Bae and all the women that treated men like him as a joke,  I have to say that it’s hard to not look at my fellow black people and wonder if you all are a lost cause. I say a lost cause because frankly modern dating has hit the point of gross cynicalism between both sides and frankly it’s tiring as frankly everyone in the heterosexual world wants their happily ever, but please let’s not forget that everyone is flawed in some way. The problem is that women today are making rookie men mistakes like making excuses for every half pretty tall guy with tattoos that cheats on them. This isn’t me coming to say “why don’t you all pick better men?” when I know the answer: it’s that good men, men who wont cheat, men who won’t abuse women in some way don’t universally come in the bodies of short awkward guys or tall confident men; they come in people who just aren’t shitty period.

Videos like this are hard to watch as people treat it as a joke because people like this are a legit problem and I’ve seen the effects of these kinds of men gone unchecked. At the closest, my father, his father and my father’s best friend (my godfather) all showed me first hand that a life as a serial fuck boy doesn’t end well as even if you as a man can avoid the direct effects of ones bad decisions; someone else ALWAYS pays. My father has 3 kids, my godfather has 5 kids, and my grandfather has 6 children, mostly by women they were not married to or in a monogamous relationship with. All these men did not brag to me about being a man that had many children and broke hearts. If anything they told me two things: don’t make their mistakes and understand that there are some men who will never learn to be better even if you show them better.

With my friend I had to cut off, he’s a man that fucks too much and already has 3 kids by as many women. Do I blame him for his bad behaviors? Absolutely. Do I look at the women and wonder why some of them still put up with his shit despite it causing him and others problems? Also yes. I look at men and women because frankly I can only say men need to do better and that men need to hold each other accountable before I have to look at some women and tell you all to stop suffering fools just cause their cute. Honestly, if I could take anything from my time amongst the red pilled, it’s that truly shitty men do get by mainly because a lot of women still suffer it. It’s like the terrorist Carlos the Jackal; plenty of women hid him and helped him but probably didn’t like that he killed cops, agents and set off bombs on planes. They could have stopped it, but because he was so charming, he got by literally on dick.

Ladies, men today get red pilled BECAUSE we see the Carlos the Jackals of our community get by literally on dick. For as much as it sounds like I’m using MGTOW logic, it needs to be said that men like this do exist. Hell, the men that raised me don’t deny that on one level or another, they are these men. Does that mean being a shitty man to women is right? No, not by any means. But when we see you all literally fawning over guys like Jeremy Meeks and every half charming guy with a strong jawline, pecks and is tall, this is why so many men roll our eyes when you say “Black men are trash.” Trust me, the reason the red pill crowd of MGTOWs and PUAs lose me is that so much of their struggle could be solved if they JUST PICKED BETTER WOMEN. But I know why everyone doesn’t want to do better, and for women, doing better, worse case scenario looks like this:

I get it, I truly get it. To this day, despite all the shit my father put my mother through both when they were together and when they had me, the two still have a flirtatious back and forth on social media and in person. I never get the illusion they could get back together, but the fact that the two recorded a sex tape that incidentally showed them conceiving me tells me that certain parts of who they are will always fit with each other. I get that women fear picking better men, and I won’t be as shallow as to say just picking better men will solve everything. What I will say is that there are a few red flags women do miss. Yes, I understand that men could just stop being terrible, but again, you have to remember that some men are so impossible to get in line. So here are a few red flags that you all refuse to observe and society pays for in one way or another:

1. If a man has more than 2 baby mommas and married neither of them, please take into account that this man might have issues with commitment or…something. Just don’t get pregnant by this guy.
2. If a man is single, ask why his last relationship failed. If it sounds like he’s heavily blaming his ex for the break up, fucking run.
3. If a man fucks a lot of women, that doesn’t make him a bad person off break, but I would not suggest trying to make him your boyfriend off break. A man has the capacity to want to settle, but you can’t force it.
4. If he doesn’t hold a job for long, ask him why. Press him. Press him hard.

I could go on and on, but the hard truth is that it’s really not that complicated. Men all over can tell you first hand that moving through dating with one’s libido never ends well, and frankly it shouldn’t. The base imperative to go for men that look good or smell good or are charming only goes so far and is why we don’t push to rely on mamilial needs in finding fathers for children. Just because a man can protect a child or can produce strong offspring doesn’t mean he won’t fuck up said children in other ways. And even if this isn’t about finding the future father of said children, it would solve so many headaches if you just didn’t fuck with shitty men. Yes, I know I should be telling other men to not be shitty, but I’m here to tell you that they said they won’t stop BECAUSE their actions hasn’t caused a serious backlash in terms of women still fucking with them. I’ve talked to my father and all his siblings about my grandfather, and they all say the same thing: he was funny, charming, intelligent, loving and all of their mothers in one capacity or another loved him as did his children. But they all also will tell you that there was a gap left in them by him not always being there in their lives, and he himself told me that not being able to be there for all his children was a regret he hates that he knew he’d have to take to his grave.

There is no such thing as a perfect man just as there is no perfect woman due on the fact perfection is subjective. But what scares me is that some people’s IDEA of perfection needs retooling as it has caused some majorly rough shit to go down. Honestly, if you want to bring up fatherless homes, it’s not even as simple as “black women need to pick better men”, it’s that as a society we have normalized so much of the ideas that lead to fatherless homes. The kinds of men that make fatherless homes wouldn’t still be able to move with impunity if we didn’t live in communities that treat men like them either as comic reliefs, as an ubermensch or as the face of what is sexually desirable by women themselves. I can easily say and pull aside a million men young and old and tell them what not to be, but women have to be willing to pull just as many women aside and tell them not to tolerate men who are unabashed fuck ups due on the fact that in heteronormative society, men build a lot of their moral compass on what gets them sex from women. It’s why fashions change, it’s why certain music is still in style, it’s why certain grooming techniques still are in fashion. Because there are just things that black men do because we want sex from women and you like men that have or do those things. I’m not sure why you have this expectation for men to have this fully asexual come to Jesus moment when the biggest cause of relapse IS that they are getting sexually frustrated and that, yes, SOME women only scrape the bottom of the barrel men because the bottom of the barrel is pretty. But the question is raised: why don’t men just date better women? Well, it’s not impossible, but know this ladies; the men who are good men who act right, dress right and treat you right exist. BUT speaking as a man, it FEELS like when the average man tries to date better, if the problem were as simple as “step your game up” it could be solved easily, BUT as I’ve seen with a lot of black men, it’s not a hate of black women always that causes us not to end up with you, it’s that us being who we are and who some black women individually are breaks things down. I won’t say that black nerd men and women don’t get along because black nerd women have some sort of flaw, but I will say to black nerd women that who we are versus who some of you are versus what is desired of us is a tricky dance. It’s pretty obvious what black men would like a black woman to be, and I can get why that isn’t happening in certain aspects. But as far as the type of black men you all want, I can honestly say I can’t nail it down solid. I’m not even going to try and guess, but I can say if what I’ve seen myself, I can say there are some inconsistencies. Honestly, black women could go the rest of their lives never having fucked or dated another black man if they so choose, but if they don’t want a culture full of women that created black men like, at best, Chris Brown and at worst R. Kelly, then women need to be willing to come together and seriously teach more younger women not to suffer this. I’m all for muting R. Kelly, but how about we also mute the random assholes you’ve also let fuck like a rabbit with with no questions asked?