Dear Mo’Nique, I’m Not Boycotting Netflix Simply Because You’re Not That Funny

Dear Mo’Nique,

I’m sorry to hear about your ordeal with Netflix only offering to pay you $500k do a Netflix deal.  That really sounds horrible.  It really does, especially coming from a guy who has yet to be offered $500k to do anything.  So my childhood imaginary friend who was really just a temporary split personality who used to whisper in my ear telling me stuff like, “When I grow up I want to be rich”…this person truly empathizes with your current struggles of only being offered $500k for your “legendary” comedic status which has been rather absent from anything significant for quite a few years now.  Trust me, it pains me to know that half a million dollars to do a Netflix special to essentially prove to the world that you can still make people laugh is essentially a welfare check.  My imaginary friend is devastated and is ready to join you in boycotting Netflix immediately.

But, my imaginary friend’s real life friend, who would be the person typing this by the way, isn’t about to join you in protesting Netflix because quite frankly, you’re not that funny.  Truth be told, I never really thought you were that funny to begin with.  I only watched Moesha because of Brandi.  I only watched the Parkers because I was waiting for Professor Oglevee to stand up to you and hit you with a #MeToo.  I only watched The Queens of Comedy to see Sommore hoping that she would have a Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction & one of those chocolate tig-o-bitties would pop out, but it never happened.  I did somewhat enjoy your acting in Precious when you played that crazed & deranged mother which helped to shed light on just how fucked up some parents can truly be to their children.  But other than that, I can’t honestly sit here & pretend like you were ever that entertaining or funny to me to the point where I feel I must join in you cancelling my $10/mo Netflix subscription.  I just can’t do it.  Plus, have you seen all the shows they have to offer on Netflix Originals lately?  Narcos, Stranger Things, Punisher, Luke Cage, Master of None, Black Mirror & Dark just to name a few.  You honestly want me to sacrifice my weekend binge watching because you are not happy with a “welcome back to the world of comedy” $500k check?  I gotta tell you Mo’Nique, that’s a tough sell that I’m just not ready to commit to.

Plus here’s another thing to consider Mo’Nique, I’m kind of tired of black people telling me to boycott shit every other week it seems.  I let you all boycott the NFL because I’m not much a football fan to begin with, despite most black people ignoring that boycott anyways.  I let you all boycott Black Friday because I had no plans of going shopping the day after Thanksgiving.  I let you all boycott H&M because they don’t make clothes for niggas like me and I wasn’t trying to join the ultra skinny jean squad to begin with.  But when you all started demanding that I boycott Dove soap is where I had to start side eyeing some of you because my loofa and my skin likes Dove soap when I’m getting my scrub on in the shower.  I’m not willing to sacrifice smelling like ass in a hunt for a product that is just as good as Dove has been to my skin.  Now you want me to give up my Netflix which has brought me endless hours of entertainment in front of my 65″ flatscreen all because you feel that $500k isn’t enough despite you not having done much of anything significant in quite a few years to prove that you still got it.  I’m sorry, I just can’t support you in this boycott.

I will however offer you a suggestion purely based upon my professional non-professional expertise as an imaginary comedian.  I suggest you take that $500k, do this special to prove to the world that you are still as funny as you currently think you are (despite you not being funny to me), get that Netflix special to do some serious numbers, then return to the Netflix bosses showing them what you did, renegotiate for another special with a higher pay, do some more numbers, then come back to the bosses again and demand they pay you what Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock & Amy Schumer are getting.  I get that you are angry that these other comedians are getting paid the big bucks, that’s understandable too.  But still, despite me never having listened to a single joke Amy Schumer has told, according to you, Netflix stated she’s sold out the Madison Square Garden twice and had a big movie over the summer.  Also, Dave Chappelle has been putting in work in the comedy clubs and doing tours here & there ever since he decided to make his return to the business and Chris Rock is well, Chris Rock.  You on the other hand, I honestly do not know of a single person who has mentioned your name in any capacity over quite a few years in reference to you being a one of the funniest comedians or even a relevant comedian.  Sorry, I just haven’t.

But no Mo’Nique I will not be joining you in your Netflix boycott and I highly doubt anybody else will as well.  It’s just too many damn good shows on Netflix that deserves our chill time with our boo thangs and once again, you’re just simply not that funny.

Take care.

Your favorite mulatto.
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