What Does It Take to NOT Be Seen as a Black Woman Hater These Days?

By:  H.T., Podcast: Kuroi And Youth

I’ve often been called a black woman hater, not because of actually hating black women, but because I’ve said things they didn’t like.  Keep in mind, for as much as I’ll admit I was wrong for my infamous article, the fact is I never said I hated black women in it.  I said I hated some of the ideas and beliefs SOME black women have.  But in the age of social media, nuance is a thing of the past.

Even now I can hear people mocking me for getting my man feels hurt, but I tell you what the problem is:  lack of empathy.  We’ve encased ourselves so deep in our cocoons on social media that we don’t take into account other people lie on the other side of the screens unless they sound just like us and this is not healthy.  Unhealthy because if we wonder why there’s such a discourse between black women and men, here’s your answer.

I believe black women are beautiful, intelligent human beings who accomplish many great things in the world.  However, when it comes to how black women relate to black men, there is a mixup in translation.  I don’t believe either party on the whole hates the other side entirely, but I do believe there isn’t much in the way of listening.  Black men just want to be nurtured, loved and doted on as we live in a world that chips away at us daily.  SOME black women want us to shed our toxic masculinity.  Black men wouldn’t have a problem with doing that if doing so didn’t look so unappealing.  Fact is, if shedding toxic masculinity wasn’t stuff that, yes, makes us look like were not attracted to women, we’d be for it.  I’m sorry, but no amount of famous black male celebs will make it look appealing.

Black men get labeled black woman haters simply for stating issues with black women.  I’ve stated that I have issues with dating black women, now I’m labeled a black woman hater.  My issue isn’t hate, it’s confusion.  One minute I’m told to dress better, the next I’m told to act different, then I’m told to have a hobby to attract them.  The problem is I’m told to seek out things I may not even enjoy just to attract a mate, which is clear desperation.  But what frustrates me is that no matter what I do, the guys who tend to get with black women aren’t guys like me.  It’s usually very swagged out black dudes or just non-black men.  This is not a complaint, just an observation.  But even pointing out what I see gets me labeled a problem.

A problem because when black men try to talk about our issues in dating, SOME women bring up statistics and facts about date rape and murders.  While this is an issue we should work on, it makes no sense to compare apples and oranges.  Yes, it’s fair to say many men’s issues with women is entitlement, but to say that a man mentioning a issue he faces that’s far less dire is just us stuck on our heterosexuality and male privilege is counter productive.

Black men get labeled black woman haters even in asking for accountability.  When black women say all the men they deal with are trash, we simply say “just go for better men” but were told to “be better men”.  We know there are shitty men amongst us, but we also know there good men.  So the question is raised, what is considered a good man these days?  A man could be nurturing, caring, patient, strong, sensitive, have a good job, have no kids and no priors but if he has even one problematic view on things or some other arbitrary reason for be unattractive, he’s dismissed.

“But black men don’t have patience for us.”  Speaking simply from my perspective, black men can have patience for a flawed black woman, the problem is that I’ve seen many a man accept women’s flaws but men’s flaws aren’t met with as welcome arms.  This is not to say there are exceptions, but keep in mind that the kinds of women a lot of men want are now labeled “pick me’s”.  The thing is, when you ask a pick me about her relationship status, more often than not, she’s in a stable relationship or even married.  Does she cook and clean, raise the kids, and is submissive?  Yes.  Does that mean one is always guaranteed a man?  No.

I bring up submissiveness because that’s what I see out of black men who aren’t labeled ashy or problematic.  It’s men who are against ever questioning, even as these women call out the offenses against women, if they got things wrong.  These men claim to have no patience for men’s hurt feelings but wonder why the turnover rate for men who agree with them grows.  People don’t like being talked down to, simple as that.  But when you say that or “not all men” these people laugh at the offended people.  This is why the black male feminist is often the butt of jokes as it’s often grown men talking about how other men are so evil.

The problem isn’t that it’s a man saying men are dangerous, it’s men doing it for seemingly altruistic but ultimately shallow means.  Podcasts who do it to get listens and sponsors, Youtubers for ads, bloggers for clicks…I support the equality of women politically, economically and socially but I don’t think you accomplish this by framing women’s empowerment as justice for victims.  And yet, this is what is done; treating black women as the nigger of the world.

To not be labeled a black woman hater in this day and age at least appears to be an exercise of compliance.  Compliance to the idea that in the black community black men and women are not partners, but rather black men are both the antagonists and the avengers of black women are this community’s gods.  Yes, the black woman keeps the black family growing, but we suffer as a community because, among other groups, fight to be the biggest victim rather than save us all.