What’s the Criteria for Being “Woke”?

Has anybody ever sat down & wondered exactly what the criteria is in order for someone to be officially “woke”?  Probably not.  Truth of the matter is, there is no standard.  Anybody can say they are woke.  There is no written test to gauge one’s woke-ness.  There are no diplomas of woke-ness being passed out from an accredited institution of woke-ness.  There are no weekly meet-ups in cities around the country to teach woke-ness.  There are no professional seminars taught by a certified expert in woke-ness to teach the schleepy how to become woke.  None of that exists.  So exactly how does one simply become woke?  Easy, read below…

5 Methods On How To Become “Woke”

1.  Just type the hashtag #StayWoke.  This is quite literally the easiest thing a black person can do to prove to the world that they are woke.  It doesn’t matter your level of intelligence, your ability to read or write, your questionable decisions in life…none of that matters when you use this hashtag.  The #StayWoke hashtag automatically gives you street cred to allow you to maneuver in & out of every black conversation unscathed.  You can type something like, “Mane, fuck all these bitches nigga! Gee’z up ho’s down my nigga! Know what talmbout?! #StayWoke”…automatically everything you typed before #StayWoke gets interpreted to mean something along the lines of, “The white man is out to get the black man.”  Seriously, that’s how this works.

2.  Watch the Hidden Colors documentary series.  If you want all of the answers in life as to why woke-ness exists & why you need to be woke, go watch Hidden Colors.  Tariq Nasheed has produced four DVDs exploring the “true” history of black people & why black people are in the situation we are in today.  If you watch this DVD series I guarantee that you will be the most woke knee grow on the block.  Your level of woke-ness will be on insomnia status.  Now some of you are probably thinking, “Mane, why you hating on Tariq!  You’re a coon!”  Slow down my newly woke knee grow.  I actually own the first 2 installments of the Hidden Colors series.  The series has some good information in there mixed in with a lot of questionable information, but overall, I don’t have much of an issue with the series or the series creator.  But what I would like for you to understand is, if you are really trying to be about this eyes-wide open, team no-sleep woke lifestyle…then you need to cop the holy grail of woke-ness.  Watch it, study it, sleep in your bed holding the DVD cover like it’s your teddy bear, then when it’s your turn to get online & challenge a person about what it means to black and/or woke, simply tell that person “GO WATCH HIDDEN COLORS! #STAYWOKE!”  That’s all you have to do.  See how simple this is.

3.  Join every pro-black group on Facebook you can.  A person can only take their woke-ness but so far by themselves.  In order to truly appreciate the level of your newfound woke-ness, you need to join every pro-black group on Facebook you can where you can spend endless hours sharpening your “I’m more woke than you!” debate skills with other people who got stung by the nigga-wake-yo-ass-up bee.

4.  Master the art of saying the words “white supremacy”.  In order to prove you are truly woke beyond just typing the #StayWoke hashtag, watching all 4 DVDs of Hidden Colors, & joining every pro-black group on Facebook you can find; you need to master the art of tossing the phrase “white supremacy” out every single chance you get as your answer for everything wrong in life that you have now come to realize with your brand new woke-ness.  Here’s the amazing thing about this, you don’t even have to make sense or articulate beyond the phrase “white supremacy”….seriously.  If you identify a problem and want to bring it to the attention of other people regardless of if they are woke or not, just place the blame on white supremacy.  If 10 year old Lil’ Ron Ron hasn’t figured out how to add 2 + 2 yet, don’t blame his parents…blame white supremacy.  If somebody then comes back to you and asks how it isn’t Lil Ron Ron’s parents’ fault, tell them something like “Mane, you wouldn’t even understand how deep this system of white supremacy works mane…it’s just too deep.  You need to wake up brotha!”  That’s all you have to do.  Seriously.

5.  Master the art of calling people a coon FIRST before they can call you one.  It used to be once upon a time that a coon was defined as a black person who was directly speaking and/or working against the progression of black society.  Nowadays, anybody who doesn’t agree with your opinion on a subject concerning black society is deemed a coon.  Doesn’t matter if the person honestly has a legit disagreement with what you are saying but they are not trying to hinder black progression, they just disagree with you about a particular thing…whoever says, “YOU’RE A COON!” first automatically wins the “I’M MORE WOKE THAN YOU!” challenge.  It’s really that simple.  Seriously.

So if you want people to perceive you to be woke, just do one of these 5 things & you will be the smartest knee grow to ever join social media.  #StayWoke

Your favorite mulatto.
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