Listen, Nobody Is Watching Your Facebook Live Videos

The late great Rick James once said, “They should have never gave you niggas Facebook Live!”  True story.

Listen…nobody is watching you.  You know nobody is watching you.  Every time you go live you can see the number of people tuned into you just like I can as I scroll past your live video.  We both know at most maybe 3 people are watching you:  your friend sitting in the room with you looking on their cell phone, that one boring ass friend who has no life other than lurking on FB, & that one friend who accidentally clicked your video then decided to tune in for about 5 seconds before realizing that they were watching you.  Just come to terms with it; you’re not interesting.  Your status updates are boring 90% of the time so what makes you think your FB Live videos will be entertaining?  They’re not.  You’re just boring.  Let’s face reality here.  No need in being ashamed about it.  Most people are boring.  No excitement is about to come about from your boring life simply because you decided to go live on Facebook.  Sorry, but you’re not about to go viral.  You’re just not.  Stick to your regular boring status updates that bring in maybe 2 or 3 likes.  Why complicate your social media experience any more than it has to be?  Just stop.

But if you feel the absolute need to go live on Facebook, try to do a few of these things in order to keep your audience of 3 entertained for more than 5 seconds:

1. Have something interesting to talk about.  Nobody gives a damn about your day at work.  Nobody gives a damn about watching you workout.  Nobody gives a damn about your bad ass kids doing the latest dance.  Nobody gives a damn about your political views considering nothing about you screams political intelligence to begin with.  These are facts.
2. Actually learn the English language.  It’s already bad enough that too many of you literally type like you speak…literally.  Now you are attempting to force me to actually hear how you speak.  No!  Just stop.  I’m not interesting in hearing you talk like you have a mouth full Little Debbie cakes.  I’m not interesting in getting a lesson in Nigglish.  I’m not interesting in my ears being assaulted with an endless barrage of “nahmsayin”…no, I don’t know what you are saying.  Expand your vocabulary son.  Namtalmbout?
3. Clean your house.  I know a lot of you have mastered the art of creating the perfect Instagram picture that perfectly crops out all of filth you are living in to only focus on your face shot from an downward angle to give the illusion that you are skinnier than what you really are, but the majority of you have not mastered the art of videography to hide that dirty ass apartment you live in.  You’ve gone out of your way to create this illusion that you are all of that thanks to endless pictures of deception. Why ruin the fantasy with your video displaying dirty diapers laying on the floor or the random cockroach trying to make a cameo appearance?  Why?  Just lie to me with you IG pictures.
4. Ladies, whip a titty out.  We all know most of you have fantasies of becoming a stripper but you know that you have absolutely no talent to work the pole.  We all know that most of you want money to literally rain on you like the strippers but we both know that’s not about to happen.  So the only thing I can really offer you is an endless supply of likes and hearts to flash across your screen as you are doing a live video.  But in order for me to make it rain social media love…I need for you to pull a titty out once or twice.  I mean seriously.  What other reason are you on FB Live?  We both know you have nothing thought provoking to offer, so just whip a titty out.  You know you want to whip a titty out, so just whip one out.  I guarantee your FB Live videos will drastically jump from 3 people to possible a few hundred in a matter of minutes.  So, just whip a titty out.
5. Fellas, do NOT whip any body part out.

So let’s recap…

Nobody is interested in watching your Facebook Live videos.  You know it, I know it, we know it, & that random knee grow around the way knows it.  So just stop.  You are boring.