Hey White People, I’m Not Racist…I Have 4 White Friends

Actually I have no idea how many white friends I have.  I don’t go around counting them.  I do have 4 white people that contribute to this site.  Does that count?

Whenever a white person is accused of being a racist, the timeless rebuttal from the white person is normally “I have X amount of Black friends!  I’m not racist!”.  OK.  Maybe you aren’t racist, but why do you feel the need to keep count of how many Black friends you have?  I’ve always wondered about that.  Who honestly goes around keeping tabs on how many friends of a different race they have?  I can honestly say that in my 30+ years of living, I’ve never heard a non-white person give an accurate count of how many white friends (or friends of any other race) they have.  The most I’ve ever heard a non-white person say is something like “I know plenty of (insert race/ethnicity) people.”  But no one could ever give me an exact number of how many (insert race/ethnicity) people they actually knew.

White people, why do you guys do that?  Why do you feel this obsessive need to keep tally of how many Black friends you have in your life?  Do you all give out awards for who can rack up the most Black friends?  Do you all keep this number stored in the front of your mind to serve as some sort of “I’m not racist” force field to protect you from accusations of being racist?  Seriously, what’s going on here?

Here’s what I think is going on here:

  1. You don’t want to be accused of being a racist.  So in order to prevent that from happening, you make sure your count is up to date.  Matter of fact, any Black person that waves & smiles at you, you immediately toss them in the “New Black Friend” bucket…even if you don’t know them.
  2. You get benefits for keeping track of your Black friend count.  It’s sort of like people who claim other people’s kids on their taxes.  Those kids don’t live with them & they are not legally responsible for them, but they do get a benefit for claiming them one day out of the year.
  3. You want to stay in tune with the Black community.  The more Black people you add to the “New Black Friend” bucket, the more informed about Black issues you believe yourself to be.  After all, having X amount of Black friends, well that’s X amount of different perspectives that can tell you everything you need to know about a group made up of 45 million people.  Genius.
  4. You want to fulfill your duty as a red-blooded American.  Nothing makes a white person prouder than being able to keep a running tab on how many Black friends they have.  Matter of fact here’s the pecking order of importance:  God, guns, American flag, American pie, Seinfeld, & X amount of Black friends.  White people who keep track of how many Black friends they have earn a special Boy/Girl Scout badge for that shit.  That badge is the highest civilian honor that only a white person can earn.  The Black Friend Badge means something.

Anyways white people…

Stop counting your Black friends.  Chances are, if you have to count them, they probably don’t exist.  If they do, they probably have no idea that you claim them as friends.

Your favorite mulatto.


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