Dating in the DMV

I consider myself one of those that would fall under the social grouping of “Black Professionals”.  When I find time to actually socialize, I tend to find myself looking for black professional events to hang out with supposedly like-minded people.  As a single man, I converse with many women of many types at these events.  I tend to run into the same types though.

This post is meant to take a comedic look at some of the types of women that I have encountered in my years of dating in the DMV.  Whatever I get into on this New Years Eve, I am more than likely going to run into each of these types.  Oh, BTW, DMV stands for D.C, Maryland, Virginia.  First read the disclaimer below…

Disclaimer:  This is for fun and not meant to offend anyone.  Laugh and share with your friends that fit in these categories. 

Ok.  Disclaimer out of the way…let’s begin.

1. The American African

This young lady was born in one of the countries in the Motherland and came to the states for educational or career purposes.  They have been in the U.S. for about 10 years or more and have managed to maintain their ties back home.  Hanging with this woman is guaranteed good food (that you never tried before) and interesting stories (in exotic accents).

There are two downsides to dating the American African woman.  One is that they tend to pick up (and hold on to) some of our worst stereotypes, and their misunderstandings come off as irritating.  Their Americanization sways their perspectives of the life that we, African-Americans, know through our experiences.

The second downside is that most of her friends are just as exotic and eager for attention.  Imagine sipping in a room with seven of the most exotic women with the most exotic shapes (I’ll keep it PG) you have ever seen talking to you in exotic accents.  Bruh!  Somewhat untainted by the “American” way, dating an American African is definitely an experience!

– It is nice to experience other cultures!

2. The “Meet Me or Beat Me” Club

This woman has a PhD (or three Masters), a mortgage for an overpriced 500 sq. ft townhouse in Alexandria, and unnecessarily shops at Whole Foods as more of a status symbol than for the organic veggies.  She has worked hard for what she has and probably makes over six figures (before taxes).  To celebrate her success (and slight air of bougieness and elitism), she hangs with a group of similar professionals that follow the “Meet Me or Beat Me” mantra and spew it often to possible suitors.

To explain, if you are a guy trying to step up to this woman, you need to be just as educated and make just as much as her….or you need to look better than her on paper meaning more degrees and make more per year than her.  (She has a reputation to keep among her friends.)  Don’t even ask this lonely woman for a dance if you are not on “her level”.

Now, the downsides of this woman…  She probably can’t cook (spinach wraps with deli meat and organic parsley is not cooking, boo).  Also, she has very limited dating experience due to her being so picky.  If you pass the interview, be prepared for a lot of work and patience.  Oh, you need to impress her friends while eating overpriced appetizers on really small plates at some overly fancy bistro in the heart of DC (where parking is like $50) that is the size of your bedroom.

Usually, there is one in the group that saw the error of the philosophy and dispelled it on the low, got married, etc., but she still shouts the chants with the group when they are together.  Or the one that dates way below “her level” on the low to keep the other side of the bed warm sometimes.

– Let them be lonely.  I’m on that “level”, but I ain’t got anything to prove.

3. The Real Professional

Now, this is a bad chic!!  She may be a part of the “Meet Me or Beat Me” Club, but she really doesn’t have time to deal with that foolishness.  This is one of those DMV lawyers, a CEO of some non-profit or startup, or director of some agency with a lot of letters and numbers in her title.  She is gorgeous, yet alone, as her ambitions don’t allow much time for dating.  She works hard and then works some more.  I’m talking 80-hour work weeks or multiple board of director meetings.

If you catch this one taking a rare breather at a bar or event, you better come with it.  Make her laugh or give her the much-needed compliment right away because she doesn’t get that much.  She doesn’t have time to.  Depending on what she is looking for (because it is up to her and her only), you might make the roster.  Your unofficial title may be Stress Reliever (get it?) or Company Dinner Escort, but you are cool with that.

Be prepared to sync your calendar to hers and be on call when she has time.  You may enjoy the rare visits to her plush apartment or 5-star hotel nights and dinners at no expense to you; you only have to make her smile and feel good.  She may introduce you to some true ballers, movers, and shakers.

The downsides of this one may definitely be unwanted.  First, if you aren’t professional enough (by her standards), she may try to sway you to step your game up…constantly.  (Remember the character that Vanessa Williams played in Soul Food?)  Second, there is no time for much spontaneity or romance with this one.  You literally “get in where you fit in” with this one.  When she calls to tell you to come over, you better stop what you are doing to come over and make her….well you know.  Too many missed appointments may get you a pink slip bruh…real talk.

– Enjoy the ride!

4. The Displaced Southerner

Being a bona-fide southern gentleman, I like running into this one.  She was raised in Mississippi or Alabama.  She went to Spelman, Tuskegee, or another HBCU.  Her parents still live in Georgia or Tennessee.  She is from what is known as the “Dirty South”.

What does all that have to do with the Displaced Southerner?  Despite her southern roots, she moved to the DMV (aka the “Dingy South”) for her career or grad school and forgot all of pleasures and perks of her upbringing.  To assimilate with the profound professionalism surrounding her, she lost her accent, her mama’s recipes, southern charm and manners, etc.

She probably hangs in the “Meet Me or Beat Me” Club as well.  Get her alone long enough and the southern-isms slip out.  Get her cursing, and the country accent comes out.  When she goes back home to visit for a week or so then comes back to the DMV, she sounds like her former self for about two days.  By then, she remembers where she is and converts again.

– Claim your country, boo!

5. The “I’m Ready Now” Woman

This type isn’t necessarily tied to the DMV area.  You can find this type all over the country.  It is more common to find this type of women in the DMV realm of government contractors, three-letter agencies, and start-up companies.

She worked hard to make partner of her law firm or to get the two BMWs in her driveway.  Then…one day…she woke up and realized that she has no man, no children, and no one to share her success with.  She watched her friends get married one by one.  She was in the wedding party of five weddings last year.  Her parents are pressuring her for grandkids.  Her biological clock sounds like the beating of a bass drum.

So, imagine this scene…you walk up to her at the Park at Fourteenth confident in your approach.  You sit down, introduce yourself, and order a couple of drinks.  Typical small talk ensues, then… Then you get smacked with the game show card of questions.  Do you want kids?  How many do you want?  How do you feel about marriage?  Fair questions, but not in the first five minutes of conversation.  If she doesn’t verbalize it right away, she has a hidden timeline and countdown that started the minute you said hello.  If you are not talking marriage and twins in a year or less, you can miss her with anything that you have to say.

Now I am not dismissing the desire to have children and to share life with someone.  One knows when they are ready for either.  I’m just saying don’t be blinded by those goals to the point that you jump on the first thing that feels like your best chance to achieve them at the time.  Those two life altering events are meant to be considered carefully.  It’s not a race baby!

– “Don’t act impatiently / You’ll get where you need to be in due time” – Lyrics from “In Due Time” by Outkast.