Steve Harvey’s New Hustle: Sugar…Coated…Bacon. Bruh…

You know how some people are addicted to crack, meth, weed, alcohol, nicotine, sex, lies, masturbation, selfies, baby mama & baby daddy drama?  Well, I have a strong addiction to sugar.  I blame my late grandfather.  He used to work at a place called Merita Bakery back in the day & used to bring home all kinds of snack cakes for me to consume which would cause me to bounce off the walls non stop.  To add to the struggles of early childhood sugar addiction, the neighborhood candy lady stayed 4 houses down from me.  Her red kool-aid flavor flips, Boston Baked Beans, & Lemon Heads just stayed calling me.  I’m surprised she just didn’t straight up sell 8 balls of pure white Dixie Crystals Sugar to the neighborhood kids.  Lawd knows I would have been the first in line every single day looking for my fix.

One positive note:  I never got a cavity from the ridiculous amounts of sugar I consumed in my youth.  Matter of fact, I’ve never had a cavity period.  As much as I liked sugar, I loved to brush my teeth even more.

Moving on the present…

This holiday season has been an absolute train wreck for me in terms of just boldly & unapologetically going out of my way to eat all of the wrong shit at any given time.  Since Thanksgiving I’ve been on pure fuck-it status when it comes to proper nutrition.  I figure I’ll get my mind right after the holidays like every other American.  But you know who I blame for my current fuck-it mentality of diet & nutrition?  I blame Patti LaBelle & James Wright (dude who made Patti Pies go viral).  Fortunately I have not had the opportunity to taste a Patti Pie…not saying I wouldn’t mind trying one, but I’m not about to go all out of my way to look for one.  If a Patti Pie magically found its way into my refrigerator thanks to divine intervention, then I’ll go ahead and add my name to the list of consumers.  But the real reason I blame Patti LaBelle for my current fuck-it diet & nutrition plan is because she has opened up the door for America’s favorite negro Steve Harvey to start peddling his line of foods.  Steve even went so far as to get Patti LaBelle & James Wright to appear on his show to promote his product.  Take a look…

“This bacon is stupid good!” — James Wright

I’m not the biggest bacon fan in the world.  I’ll eat it, but it’s not like my life will suffer if I don’t have any bacon in my life.  So as I’m watching this segment, about 1:44 into the video Steve introduces us to SUGAR COATED BACON.  Yes, you read that correctly.  SUGAR…COATED…BACON.  Now, you can’t get more “Nigga are you serious?!” than SUGAR COATED BACON.  I believe Black folks have the highest risk of developing the sugars (diabetes) than any other population due to our uncompromising love affair with soul food and other fatty & sugary shit…but nigga…SUGAR COATED BACON?!  Steve Harvey is trying to send Black folks to grave even faster.

Now if a package of sugar coated bacon somehow magically ended up in my fridge due to divine intervention, I probably won’t turn down eating it.  But damn, sugar coated bacon?  Steve, c’mon son.  Just start selling 8 balls of sugar & keep it simple.

Your favorite mulatto.