Nerd’s Eye View: TMNT 2014 (Part 2)

Ok.  Rant over.  Back to the story.

Having never played buck-buck, I don’t know the rules or if there are different versions, but what they played as kids seemed to be jumping on the back of the turtle who went ahead of you to hit a bucket hanging from the ceiling.  This time, instead of hitting a bucket, they take shots at Shredder.  Unable to see through this cunning stratagem, Raph is able to kick Shred head off the roof 300 style, giving Donnie time to try and stop the timer from releasing the gas.image
Shredder climbs back on the roof, because if the turtles can do it of course he can, and he proceeds to get serious.  And by serious, I mean he starts throwing his Megatron blades, but the other three deflect them from Donatello long enough for only a little gas to escape (so i guess only a few people will die, maybe a couple kids or some pets).

With his plan thwarted (apparently it’s a rule that only villains can be thwarted), Shredder tries to improvise.  Throwing his blades, he damages the supports so that the antenna will fall and the gas will smash on the ground.  Our Heroes on the Half-shell scramble to hold up the antenna tower, knowing that if they move, the tower will fall and the gas will kill hundreds in the crowd below.

So, having the turtles unable to move and at his mercy, Shredder proceeds to stab the turtles in the throat, they bleed out in agony, the gas falls on the crowd, and thousands die.  The Foot soldiers corner April, grab the mutagen, and then put two in her chest, one in her head.  When camera guy hears the shooting, he runs out and is quickly turned into swiss cheese.  Splinter, unaware of the fate of his children yet feeling the worst, dies broken and alone.  New York City becomes a Quarantine Zone ala Infamous, and the Foot Clan reigns supreme.  Fade to black. Roll credits…

…Ha!  What movie were you watching?  None of that happens.  Shredder, putting his blades away, proceeds to punch Leonardo in the (bulletproof) shell for about five seconds.  He doesn’t even karate chop him in the throat or kick him in the knee or anything that might make him drop the FRICKIN’ ANTENNA!  Then April shows up and taunts Shred Head with the mutagen.  Chasing her, they fall off the building.

At the same time they fall, the antenna falls on its own, but lands on another building, spanning the gap between them.  Shredder manages to grab on to it and the ooze, but April’s grip wasn’t strong enough.  She would have been street pizza if the guys didn’t pull a human chain and pluck her out of midair.  Hanging hundreds of feet about the asphalt, Shredder tries to fling his blades at the turtles to make them fall.  April tells them to swing her at him and she gives Shredder a kick to the face which has him, and the mutagen, fall all the way to the ground below.

Despite the others climbing up onto the broken tower, it looks like they’ll also go splat as the antenna starts to drop in stages.  Leo tells the others this may be the last time they have to say anything to each other.  Donnie licks the icing off pop tarts and places them back in the box.  Mikey is confused by the ending of Lost (like everyone else).

And Raph?  Well Raphael, the biggest, baddest, meanest turtle of the bunch, basically has low self esteem and is a jerk to his brothers because he doesn’t think he’s as good as the rest of them, yet he loves them.  His confession takes them all the way down to the top of a building where they stop falling.  Of course they don’t die, but Raphael confessing to an inferiority complex and telling them he loves them is funny,right?…Doesn’t matter, we’re almost done.image
So April and the guys get back to Splinter and he’s barely moving.  Knowing that their blood contains the mutagen they inject something into Splinter (the movie doesn’t tell us if it’s blood or mutagen pulled out of thin air) and he lives another day.  Whoo…hoo.  Oh and Shredder got some mutagen on his armored finger then made a fist (sequel spoiler:  he’s not dead).

As the movie comes to a close, it shows us camera guy standing under a bridge and April walking her bike up to him.  He called her out there to show her the new car the station bought him.  I guess causing thousands of dollars of property damage with a work vehicle constitutes getting a personal car.

Before camera guy can try to put the moves on April, the turtles show up in a tricked out van with all the bells and whistles.  They even have rockets, which Mikey demonstrates by accidentally blowing up camera guy’s new car.  The things Mother Sewer provides are amazing.  Or the turtles are a bunch of thieves…nah.  And speaking of thieves, there is no mention of what happened to Shredder, Sacks, or the Foot.  Alive, dead, in jail, still robbing people, who knows?  Roll credits.

So that’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014).  Is it a bad film? Eh.  It’s borderline.  Is it an enjoyable movie?  Absolutely!  I enjoyed every moment of this movie.  And some of the changes were things I’d always wanted or loved when I saw them.  It is a movie that I imagine any turtles fan would enjoy.  But I’m not so sure about non fans.

When it comes down to it, they made an origin story for characters that aren’t only remembered fondly, but also have been seen in recent memory, an origin story that almost everyone who saw the movie already knows.  Other than that Michael Bay touch (and yes, I know it was written and directed by other people, but it has his fingerprints all over it), the story has been done better more than once.  That’s why the movie keeps referencing it’s other incarnations because it wasn’t bringing anything new to the table.  So for a fan like myself, I’d say go see it, but for a person who is new to the franchise, I’d suggest one of the other versions instead.image
Whew!  That was a long review.  Enjoyable, but hard to get through.  So next time, we’ll visit a different movie franchise.  A franchise where referencing the previous movies is not only key to the story, each sequel depends on it more and more.

 

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