The “Safe” Black Male

If you are a black male living in the United States of America & you would like to 99.99% guarantee that you will not be shot by the police or racist members of the dominant society, you will not be racially profiled, you will not be second guessed, & you will not be deemed as a threat to society in general; then you may want to break out some glasses, suspenders, high waters, get a clean cut, find a way to magically remove the bass from your voice, remove all sexual vibes from your persona, & work on perfecting the line “Did I do that?”.  Transforming yourself into Steve Urkel is about the only way you can damn near ensure that you will never have to deal with any issues of Afrophobia which could either land you in jail or worse, cost you your life.

Why Steve Urkel?

A black man in America cannot possibly become anymore less threatening that Steve Urkel.  Steve Urkel is the epitome of what it means to be a “safe” black male.  He presents no sexual desires, so white men do not see him as a threat to sleeping with white women because you have to remember, historically, the worst thing a black male could do in the eyes of a white man was to sleep with a white woman.  If a black male back in the day messed around and got a white woman pregnant, shit it was literally like the end of the world to a lot of white people.  Remember the term “nigger lover”?  Well how do you think that term came about to be?  Possibly because a few young white women back in the day got them some black dick & had a change of heart.

When it comes to Steve Urkel’s style of fashion, one cannot present a more innocent non-threatening appearance than sporting high-waters, thick glasses, & colorful suspenders.  Seriously, who would honestly have the nerve to want to harm a black male dressed like that?  His style of clothing do not fit the traditional image of thug attire nor do they give off the appearance of a financially well-to-do man.  Some members of the dominant society may pick on him a tad bit, but even with picking on him, that heckling would more than likely be reserved strictly for his garments instead of features related to his skin color.  What kind of threat does a black male with awful vision (hence the thick glasses) and red suspenders present?  The only threat he poses is causing you to suffer from a severe case of a belly ache from laughing at his fashion appearance too hard.  Nobody is afraid of a dude in high waters.

When it comes to Steve Urkel’s personality, Steve really has a hard time understanding the issues of the world when it comes to the complexities of racial relations.  His mind is only focused on creating new gizmos that can possibly benefit mankind overall & daydreaming about his childhood crush Laura…which is cool for the dominant society.  As long as Steve is in the lab trying to create the newest gadget to enhance the world and only keeping his hungry eyes affixed to black women, it’s all good with the dominant society…all these other issues surrounding racial profiling, police brutality, etc; don’t worry about that stuff…just think about how Laura will perceive you.

So in the end Black men

If you do not want to be pulled over for driving a nice car in a nice neighborhood, if you do not want to be followed around inside of a store you intend to spend money in, if you do not want to be stalked & shot while walking home in a hoodie with some Skittles, if you do not want to be shot because you are playing your music too loud in a car, if you do not want to be choked to death over loose cigarettes, if you do not want to be shot for jay walking, if you do not want to be shot while shopping in Wal-Mart because some random white customer called the cops on you & told a bold face lie & lastly, if you do not want to be shot while attempting to hand a police officer your drivers license; then my fellow black men…

You better get with the fucking program & inject the spirit of Steve Urkel into your life.