Americans: A Holistic View

America.  Land of the free, home of the brave.

The land of opportunity.  Roughly 316,148,990 humanoids running a muck.  Lets start there, and with a known fact.  Humans are a destructive bunch of assholes.  This is old news.  Things like the Holocaust, The Crusades, the Khmer Rouge, and McDonalds are proof that we are nothing more than a giant virus sent to wipe ourselves out like a fat man surfing a tsunami wave.  So where am I going with this you ask?  We as Americans take that shit to a level like no others.  We are assholes that think we are entitled to something because we did nothing more than wake up in this great land by happenstance.  Stay with me now.

Most countries have pride in themselves.  Their citizens are proud of their history and rightly deserve to be considering we (the US) as a nation are pretty damn young.  Chinese people are proud of their nearly 2.25 million year history.  And who wouldn’t be?  That’s a long ass time to survive on this planet.  Ok, so the 2.25 million is when early hominids where starting to wander around there, but still impressive.  What do we have, like 400 years?  Please.  If the nations were people, most of them would have underwear older than us.  We would be somewhere around early potty training in comparison.

In our brief history, we have wiped out entire cultures and civilizations.  Though I don’t have exact facts, it is safe to say we leveled millions of people merely by injecting our disease ridden paws into their clean lands.  Don’t forget that we have also decimated millions of acres of natural environments to provide barely sustainable stick homes and weak genetically modified cash crops to the populace of vermin we call America.  Here is the kicker, we know we are wrecking this place worse than the Rolling Stones on a 2 week bender in the downtown Super 8.  Yet we continue to be assholes.  Even the hipster tree huggers are assholes.  Hell, they are nothing more than hobos with iPhones and regular access to showers.  Every one wants organic this, or sustainable that, yet we as a nation allow those things to be priced or controlled beyond our reach.  My grandfather grew up eating organic food.  Why?  BECAUSE HE FUCKING GREW IT HIMSELF!  He didn’t need the government to slap a sticker on a fucking carrot and sell it at twice the cost.  He just picked that bitch out of the ground and ate it.  Then we complain about the government, yet we let assholes who think they know what we need, voted for by assholes who are too lazy to work or think for themselves, lead a nation of assholes who think we are the greatest thing since the creation of the single-celled organism.  Just let that sink in.

Now, lets talk about personality.  We as a nation have about as much personality as a Jenna Jameson blow-up doll.  The new generation of idiots thrives on text messages and Facebook.  Acronyms like LOL and IDK have actually infected the Oxford English Dictionary.  I see assholes who decide to procreate, that’s have kids for those of you who don’t know how to use a dictionary, and then let their kids do what ever they want.  If I did half the shit these little vermin do I would have had my head knocked off my body in full view of a cop.  Now if you do that you are being abusive and get sent to jail for trying to teach your child not to be an asshole.  As adults, we have lost the concept of common courtesy and common sense.  I know this may seem violent, but if you cut me off in traffic…I hope your car catches on fire and the doors malfunction.  If you “forget” your child, dog, or even groceries for that matter, in your car because you are too stupid or distracted by someones 37th selfie of the day on Facebook, you deserve to be beaten to death with a sea bass.

We as a nation seem to think that we are awesome.  And we are.  Just not as awesome as we seem to think.  Look at our economy, government, education system, hell even our public transportation.  Not to say there isn’t worse places.  For instance, I wouldn’t try to call a cab in South Sudan, but that is not the point.  I know these issues probably exist in other countries, but I am not there so I don’t care.  I also know that I am an asshole, just like everyone else in the country.  Now if you are reading this thinking to yourself, “Well I’m not guilty of any of that so I must not be an asshole”, you are wrong.  I can guarantee that in the last 12 months you have done something asshole-like.  So do us all a favor and stop being a self-righteous asshole.  America is awesome and I will fight for it till I can’t fight anymore, but seriously people, it’s not that serious.