You’re Turning Me Off, How To Dry The Panties Up In 5 Steps.

You know, there is nothing more wrong than somebody that overly feels their own awesomeness (I’m sure this sentence will make English teachers everywhere cringe, much like Gucci Mane reading aloud).  Anyhoo, no one likes a show off (unless it’s Jada Fire showing her tongue gymnastics), like that person you meet at First Friday’s with their chest all puffed with air just because their business cards were printed on high gloss card stock.

The type of people that’ll brag about something that no one but them cares about, like attending an Ivy league school – which is pretty stupid because I’m sure they’re paying Nas’ child support type numbers in tuition. And besides your Capella University online degree works just as well, but you get the drift. People that brag and make statements like this, will immediately make you want to tune them out, turns you off (assuming you were turned on in the first place) and causes you to scrutinize them, to see if they really are about that life.

So, because I grew up on Sesame Street and The Reading Rainbow, you know I like to show off my counting skills (look ma, I can multiply on my hands). In true Breazy fashion, I present to you Breazy’s List of Statements that people really should just keep to their motherf&cking self while showing some humility. That is unless you want people to hate you and write you off immediately like Keyshia Cole’s career – I just want it to be over (Michelle Williams revenge)

1. I’m Humble

I’m sorry, but I really believe that your humility should speak for itself, not you talking about how humble you are. You talking about your humility is light weight bragging to me. Like some people will say, “Man it’s hard keeping up with a 5 bedroom, 4 bathroom house”, well at least I’m blessed to have a house, FOH. Also, you saying that you are humble is like never saying never, except it’s not, or is it? Oy vey.

2. Hi, my name is (insert name) and my Frat/Sorority is better than yours

For some reason, some people who pledged Greek organizations that they feel are superior to other Greek organizations, like to rub it in. As if anybody cares that you’re a third generation Greek, AKA or a Kappa. Guess what, I don’t know karate but I know crazy. So what you wear pink and green or red and white. Do you know what else wears pink and green? Easter baskets. And do you know who wears red and white? Santa Clause and that n-word aint real. Saying the AKAs are better than the Deltas is like saying “I can’t believe it’s not butter” is better than actual butter. No one cares and they both do the same thing. The only people that care are the ones you pay yearly fees to.

3. I never pay for drinks (attractive ladies anthem)

Sorry ladies, I don’t mean to throw shade your way, but bragging about this to hard working men and less than attractive women that look like Whoopi Goldberg will earn you the side eye of all side eyes. Do you know how much drinks cost these days? I’ve been to lounges where the drink prices were so damn high, a wanna be player would have to sell dope just to be able to impress a woman. And let’s not forget the less attractive women that have to buy their own drinks (oh the horror). It’s hard out here for a pimp, and looking at you getting alcohol poisoning from all the free drinks, while the only thing anybody offered to buy them was a tic-tac, will eventually lead to your slow agonizing death.

4. I get more arse than a toilet (men)

First of all if you have to announce to the world how much “cut up” you get, chances are you’re not getting any. The only men that do this are high school seniors, guys in Drake’s entourage, and men that slept with Superhead, no Ray J – I hit it first.

5. I’m not like the rest (men/women)

You know what, you are amazingly similar to the last man/woman that said this, and exactly as underwhelming. The only difference is if you are an underwhelming AKA or Kappa – shade thrown, umbrella-ella-ella.

These are just a few examples that are immediate turn-offs for me when I hear them. I’m sure there are hundreds if not thousands more. What are some immediate turnoffs for you when you hear them?

Talk to me, I’ll talk back.

Breazy, The Slew footed Pimp.

Onyx Contributor:  Breazy Taylor