In A Relationship, Who Comes First?

Last week I was listening to the Doug Banks Radio Show and 2 of the co-hosts, Dede McGuire & George Willborn, were discussing the matters of a relationship between a man, woman, & a kid(s)…you as the adult in the relationship; whose needs do you place first?  Would it be your significant other or would it be your kid(s)?  Each co-host proceeded to tell a story from their past as to how their mothers put their significant other’s needs above their own at the time using the reasoning that basically, their mother needed to be happy.  Then the co-host George Willborn responded to a question pertaining to whom he would put first in a rather tragic (yet imaginary) situation pertaining to his wife & kid right before a commercial break.  His response to a question (that I can’t remember) went something like this…and I’m paraphrasing…

If my wife, child, & I were on a boat & that boat capsized & I had to make a choice as to whom I would save, I would save my wife.  We can always make another child.

And that “we can always make another child” line is the reason for this article.

Now first & foremost, I like the Doug Banks Radio Show.  I listen to them on my ride home from work & I thoroughly enjoy the material they discuss along with the music they play.  Secondly, I’ve been a fan of comedian George Willborn since his days at the Michael Baisden Radio Show.  The guy is funny with a crazy ridiculous laugh; he has that Tommy from the TV show Martin type of laugh, the type of laugh that brings you tears because it just sounds funny listening to him laugh.  So just to make things clear, this is not a I hate the Doug Banks Radio Show or its co-hosts article.  This is an article merely addressing my perspectives on a topic they discussed pertaining to who comes first.

Who Comes First?

If you are in a relationship with a person & it’s just you and the other person, then obviously the person you are involved with will come first or SHOULD come first.  That should be a no-brainer.  Now, if you are in a relationship with somebody AND there are kids involved whether they are your kids or not, then the KIDS should come first.  Anybody that places their needs or anybody else’s needs above the needs of their kids is a damn fool & should be slapped.  This article really shouldn’t even be a topic of discussion for me because I believe that somewhere deep down inside of even the most fucked up parent, they know ultimately that they are responsible for the health & well being of their child.  Now whether these parents decide to act upon this basic instinct is another issue, but the instinct is there.

Why The Kids?

Why should the children come first in a relationship?  Simply put, these kids didn’t ask to be here.

If you are a grown person who voluntarily & willingly decided to participate in the actions that lead to the creation of another human being then there is absolutely no excuse in the world that you can say to me to convince me that putting the needs of your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, or whatever above the needs of your kids is acceptable.  Children didn’t ask to be born.  The 2 individuals whom willingly decided to sleep together to create these kids made that decision.  People who elect to enter the dating world with the possibility of entering the marriage life CHOSE to make the decisions to be with another person.  Once again, the children whom came as a possible result of that relationship DID NOT have a say in the decision.  So, it is mind baffling to me as to how can a woman or a man look to their significant other & decide to put them first and their child second.

To go back to George Willborn’s paraphrased statement of him electing to save his wife over his child; I can understand the logic to a degree, but I can’t & refuse to understand the outcome of the decision.  If I were in that situation where I had to choose between my wife & child, I’m sorry to say it, but I would choose my child.  If my wife was in that situation, I’d EXPECT her to choose our child as well.  It’s just like that John Q movie staring Denzel Washington where he was willing to kill himself in order to give his son a fighting chance at life.  The reason why…well, my child has his whole life literally ahead of him & mines, well up to that point, it’s a wrap.  Saying you would opt to save your significant other over the life of your child simply because you can make another child is almost as if you are viewing your child as an accessory.  “Shit, I lost I lost my damn iPhone!  Let me head over to Verizon to get another real quick”…this is basically how you are accessing the value of your child.  Who does that?

Now, I could use the exact reverse and some of you reading this might say some shit like, “But if you save your child & then go find a new wife, isn’t that the same thing as viewing your wife as an accessory?”  NO.  If you elected to save your child over your spouse you are not viewing them as an accessory.  For those of you out there thinking, “well you could always find another wife just like you could always create another kid”…it’s not the same.  Remember, children did not ask to be born.  Two people involved in a relationship voluntarily chose to be a part of that union, it wasn’t forced upon them (in most instances).  Sacrificing the well being of your child to spare the well being of your significant other is a basically an act of selfishness upon your behalf.  You are essentially making a decision to spare what can possibly please you instead of choosing to take care of someone you voluntarily chose to create.  And that’s what it’s really all about…you and what YOUR wants.

Please understand I’m in now way, shape, or form stating that all people who have children should sacrifice personal satisfaction in the name of taking care of their children.  That is not the case at all.  I am saying for those of you out there whom choose to put the needs of your significant other over the needs of your children, you are acting selfish.  There is no excuse for you kids to come second in order for you to please someone else.  Now granted, if your kids are grown & moved out of the house, then fuck em.  But if your kids are still minors & you’re their legal guardian, then all this me-me-me & my happiness bullshit needs to take a backseat to the their immediate needs so hopefully they can grow up to become productive law abiding citizens of this great country.  I think people seriously got their wants versus needs idea flawed at times.

photo credit:  Thomas Hawk