The Brick, the Victim, and the Desired

The Desired (The Interdependent)

Many times in my life I’ve met a woman who brags that she “can get ANY man.”  I then pause and lean forward and ask, “But can you KEEP, any man though?”  There’s usually a long pensive, awkward pause.  It kinda shuts her up.  Not to say perfection exists, but this is where we meet the type that finds balance between the first two discussed.  Interdependence, or cooperative dependence, is a relationship in which each member is mutually dependent on each other.  This is point the “strong independent” (I say mockingly) is missing.  The codependent also doesn’t understand this.


The interdependent has a strong sense of social cohesion; many of the things I mentioned earlier that the codependent and the independent were lacking are found here:

Acceptance: She accepts you for who you are and how you are.
Appreciation: She loves what you do and what you provide for the team.
Approval: She’s not hyper-critical in judging you.
Affection: She knows how to fill that emotional need that men have.
Attention: She doesn’t allow too much to distract her from the relationship at hand.

These are the fundamental things that makes the Interdependent “The Desired”.  I can imagine that the word itself “interdependence” is foreign to many. Not to say it’s the rappers’ fault, but I don’t see too many rappers — male or female — praising such a concept.

What makes relationships healthy is interdependency, not codependency.  Paradoxically, interdependency requires two people capable of autonomy.  When couples love each other it’s normal to feel attached, desire closeness, be concerned for each another, and to depend upon each other.  They engage in commitment behavior.  Their lives are intertwined, and they’re affected by and need each other.  However, they share power equally and take responsibility for their own feelings, actions, and contributions to the relationship.  Because they have self-esteem, they can manage their thoughts and feelings on their own and don’t have to control someone else to feel okay.  They allow each other’s differences and honor each another’s identity.  Thus, they’re not afraid to be honest. They can listen to their partner’s feelings and needs without feeling guilty or becoming defensive.  Since their self-esteem doesn’t depend upon their partner, they don’t fear intimacy, and independence doesn’t threaten the relationship.  In fact, this type of relationship gives them more freedom.  There’s mutual respect and support for each other’s personal goals, and at the same time both are committed to the relationship.

Keep in mind that despite the differences between sexes in relationships, these relationship tropes works with both men and women.  Both men and women can be a brick, victim or desired. So in the end, which one would you rather be?

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