I Don’t Hate Black Women. I Hate What Being a Black Man Who Loves Black Women Means in This Era.

By:  H.T., Podcast: Kuroi And Youth

I am not a prophet.  I never claimed to be perfect.  But ever since I wrote my infamous article that now is close to have being read 30,000 times and shared on Facebook 5,000 times, I’ve come to realize what John Pennymon has been trying to drill into my head a thousand fucking times, stop caring what people think of me.  And he’s right, I shouldn’t care.  See, I’ve been to both ends of the internet political spectrum.  I’ve been a militant male feminist and I’ve been and unapologetic shit lord.  And on both ends, I’ve seen your flaws.  See, the shit lords problem is that they see a conspiracy to ruin what they love by pointing out it’s flaws.  While I can admit that not everything needs to be pc, it’s laughable to assume every attempt at making something less offensive or more inclusive is a conspiracy against white men.  On the other had, SJWs want an almost equally naive desire for the world:  altruism.  The problem with embracing this generation’s idea of growth is that it defies logic of how we’re socialized.  “Well, just socialize people different!”  Not that simple.  See of the amount of changes done so far, now we’re at the point of denying reality.  Here are a few truths about society that just can’t be shaken:

  • Humans are not naturally altruistic
  • Physical appearance and attractiveness matter and always will
  • Masculinity is socialized with aggression and dominance as main traits because this is a capitalist society and those traits make good soldiers, workers and businessmen

See, I can’t say I can’t find a black woman who could love me as many don’t agree with a lot of this shit either.  If you want to tackle issues of sexual assault not being taken seriously in the black community, fine.  If you want to address the fact that we don’t socialize men to aspire to be fathers, fine.  But to explore that means to explore the fact that there are forces beyond the black community that profit from us glorifying dysfunction.  And yes, this means doing away with the bullshit “respectability politics” argument.  You can’t say men are trash, want us to do better, but say nothing about the umpteenth shows and musicians that make it look cool to be a fuck up.  We are at the point that the next generation will in a few years notice how black men and black women treat each other.  I don’t know about you, but I know very few black children today growing up watching their parents marry, live together or get along.  Every black child I know who has married parents has a white or non black mother or father.  But again, I’m speaking for what I see.  All I ask is, how many of this generation’s young black kids grow up with a father?  How many of those father’s are THEIR fathers?  Hell, how many of those kids share a parent with their siblings?  You can call me ashy or hotep, but this is what I’m talking about:  we’ve grown up so used to seeing disjointed families, men who don’t act like men and women being pushed every which way from the way that benefits the black family that we’ve arrived here; at the point that the man before you who wants us to win is called the bad guy for wanting a united front.

See, the issue with Amber Rose is that no one sees the problem with making her a hero for black women.  You know who I think is a great hero for black women today?  Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Michaela Coel, Ava Duvernay, Shonda Rhimes & Maxine Waters.  These are women that have contributed to society in so many ways and could be great role model for young women.  So why is AMBER ROSE the main one I see culturally being pushed as a spokesperson for a generation, if not then people who think just like her?  The issue with her is that men whom are considered supportive of black women are supposed to get behind her messages of pro-promiscuity, pro-overexposure & anti-fathers in homes.  This is what is considered being pro-black woman.  It’s a mind fuck because on one hand you want black men to treat you as more than just sexual objects, but the main point the Amber Roses of the world sell you is that your sexuality is your power, yet, the male gaze is wrong, but that’s where your power COMES FROM.

I give my mother credit where credit is due, we don’t get along simply on the fact that we have different accounts of my life and she, by the time she was my age, had accomplished far more than me while raising me since she was 21.  And despite the fact that she drives me up a wall, I can recognize an accomplished woman when I see one, and she is one.  Honestly, for better or worse, If I ever had a daughter, I would want her to be like my mom as I know what not to do to have the issues I had with her.  But my point of bringing my mom up is that I liked when we pushed women to be like THAT.  Chemists, doctors, lawyers, nurses, journalists, writers, teachers; hell own a business if you can.  But I don’t like that we started pushing the idea that we should build so much of black women’s identity around their sexuality rather than rounding it out to other aspects.  But again, this is just my opinion.  I got nothing against black women being sexual, I just wish empowerment wasn’t seen so heavily in sexuality.  My problem is that we went from demanding black men to be protectors and providers to being shamed for the fact that they do not face the same problems as other groups.  If there were ways to logically educate black men to be realistically less oppressive to black women, I could follow this.  But at a certain point, black men were expected to essentially prove their fidelity to caring for our women by essentially employing a laissez-faire attitude on how women carry themselves.

What’s more, for as much as I don’t care, the reason I get upset when I get called a black woman hater is because the standard for what we call caring about black women is seen as misogyny now.  It used to be if you cared about the women in your life, whether they be family or friends, you taught them how to avoid date rape.  Watch your drink, don’t take drinks from men you didn’t see them pour, the usual.  Now, not only is that seen as victim blaming, but now were expected to teach other men not to rape.  Women, I don’t think you understand how the mind of awful people work so let me sum it up like this:  BILL COSBY was told rape is wrong but still rationalized drugging women as “that’s just what we did back then.”  Hell, the fucker made a JOKE about it.  If you want to say society should stop teaching boys to get women drunk for sex, we more or less did in pop culture, but people still do it.  A defective human is a defective human.  Men on the whole KNOW rape is wrong, but the men who don’t care are hard to weed out without someone getting raped.  SO, we teach women to PROTECT THEMSELVES.  But of course, now that’s also considered benevolent sexism.  Normalizing rape is a problem, but the fact is men who use sexual violence against women, either to feel powerful or just to get sexual gratification is a dark part of the reality of man.  It’s been a design flaw since the beginning of man.  And frankly many civilizations, if at all, came up with some pretty dire ways to punish rape.  And even that didn’t always stop it from happening.  This is just an disturbing problem that comes with free will:  deviancy.

Even now, I can already see black women mocking me about me feels, and you know what?  You should care.  At the end of the day, we’re both black but rather than sit down and talk like adults, you’ve let the most obtuse and unyielding figureheads create the narrative.  And yes, black men have done the same.  I’m sorry for Tariq nasheed, Tommy Sotomayor, Jason Black, Tyrese Gibson, Rev Run and Ask Chey B.  But with this apology I need people to understand why this is a pressing issue.  I’m sorry black women, but the problem isn’t that you are sexual, it isn’t that you are moody, it isn’t that you take no shit, it isn’t that you may or may not cook or clean, and it’s definitely not that you make more money.  It’s that you are now PROUD that you are known mainly as a sexual being, that you are PROUD to be difficult to interact with, it’s that you are PROUD of that in the fight against gender roles.  You don’t nurture men when they need it but then wonder why men have side-chicks or date outside their race.  The problem isn’t interracial dating or even necessarily promiscuity, it’s that we just want to feel reciprocity.  Hell, we bash women who celebrate caring for her man, calling them “pick mes.”  Let me say that again:  black women bash black women who are NICE to men.  What other race of women celebrates that?  Don’t get me wrong, more than likely a man being nice to a woman probably wants sex or at least validation because, well, that makes sense.  It’s why beautiful women go their whole lives being given free shit.  But being nice to a man can potentially get a woman a better LIFE.  You see how this works out?  Black men want us to be a cohesive unit, and yes, I recognize some black men have little to offer.  But I’m telling you, all of you, if you sit and wonder why all the black men in this generation still think it’s cool to act like a jackass or basically agree with everything a woman says whether it makes sense or not, this is why.  Black men are basically being told to sit and agree or be labeled as hating half of his race, if not more.  So now black men are either choosing to be problematic but still doing what’s needed, being ACTUALLY trash or basically surrendering their backbone and not offering commentary but rather blind allegiance.

I am sorry if you faced misogyny, or misogynoir, or were raped or beaten, if you were called ugly because of your skin or that you can’t find a man that has act right.  But maybe the reason there isn’t a huge push to hear your issues isn’t because we don’t care, but rather because it’s framed less as “we, your sisters, mothers, cousins, co-workers, and potential lovers need your help.”  Instead, you’ve allowed the most obtuse individuals make this less as a call to arms and more about showing you how men don’t care.  We reduced the betterment of black people in America to hashtags, memes and 140 character tweets.  Even now I can already hear black people talking about how being for telling black women to be more overly sexual, obtuse, narcissistic and uncaring is helpful for black women despite the fact that modern evidence has shown otherwise.  But yes, let’s blame all of this on the white people of black people.

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