From seeing the title, you may have recalled the Saturday Night Live skit in which Eddie Murphy played Buckwheat and was singing various songs as part of a comical promotion for a fictional musical album. Probably the most memorable part of it was when Eddie sang, “Wookin pa nub in all the wong paces.” (Translation: “Looking for love in all the wrong places” – a verse in a song by Johnny Lee)
Well, that is the subject of this post…looking for love in all the wrong places. (I use the word ‘love’ loosely and in a general mean a sense for companionship.) Before I expound on the reason why I am writing this, let me tell you a quick story…
My dating life recently has had a common theme which is dating unattainable women or myself being unattainable to them. My current scenario really doesn’t allow me to meet someone new and build a good foundation for something more locally. My most recent date was a great reminder of that.
I’ll keep it brief….met someone cool (or seemed cool), expectations and actualities come out in conversation, we hung out a few times, then it felt awkward at the end when what you already knew to be true is the reason why there will not be another date…then…then…there is the empty feeling or dreadful feeling of time (maybe even money) wasted. As the most recent date walked to her car, I already knew that it would be the last time that I would see her. Oh well…
That date really spurred my thinking as I drove home that night. Basically, I knew there was no future with the young lady, but I subconsciously (I think) wanted to enjoy the date and have the possibility for something else whether it was temporary fun (hehe) or the beginning for a future “How I Met Your Mom” story. Regardless, I chose to pursue (loosely) anyway probably in hopes that what my common sense was telling me would drown in possibility.
I posed the question to myself while at a stoplight, “Why is it that we still try to date unattainable people?” I also wondered, “What motivates us to put a bid in for something that definitely doesn’t have a future (let alone a next date)?” I guess, like buying a lottery ticket, there is a chance to win big (or at least get $2 back). My below commentary comes from the mind of a man, but it could easily apply to a woman as well.
Be honest with yourself as you read the following questions? Have you held on to a relationship, friendship, or sexual partner way too long in groundless ambition for something else? Do we sometimes settle for the consolation prize (i.e. – ‘Damn, that person is mad cool and not the one for me, but I’ll settle for some draws’)? Do our selfish desires override our common sense? Selfish desires may honestly include horniness, love/passion, need for human interaction, acceptance, etc.
We have all dealt with the signs that serves (or should serve) as a reality check. Examples include: the unreturned phone calls, the random and opportune phone calls (whatcha doing right now?), the bored look at dinner, the failure to really connect, the blunt honesty during convo, etc. Yet, sometimes we (including me) paint a different picture in our minds…or start accepting a secondary reality.
Is there some deeper psychological explanation that may or may not be unbeknownst to us?
I spoke to one of my brothers to get his opinion about it, and we agree that sometimes things like the achievement of getting some new draws, quenching the need for passion, fighting loneliness, or truly looking for love have muted our better judgement in the past.
Love, in general, is a strange sport or phenomenon that is played regardless of the risk of losing. I often listen to Con Funk Shun’s song, Love’s Train, and contemplate the meaning of the lyrics, especially in the chorus. It really describes persistence and longing for affection that is not requited or inopportune, per se, due to the presence of someone else. It is kinda like once that it has acknowledged that there is a third party in the picture, the singer states (the Dante D translation), “I understand, but it would be cool if I can just see or hold you anyway.”
Let’s be honest. When you really do find that special someone, life is grand and feels a little more complete. For those of us still on the journey, our damaged hearts and cloudy perceptions need that temporary fix…even if for a little while. It may not be the brightest idea to band aid what needs major healing, but it’s ok (I think) to sometimes allow ourselves to sip an ounce of what we thirst for. It may serve as motivation or allows us to fine tune our minds and hearts for what is really needed and wanted. Yep.
Anyway, these were some random thoughts as I sat (alone…lol) in my bed on a summer night. Even if subconsciously, most people want the long term acceptance, love…blah, blah, blah, but tend to pacify whichever emotion or longing is most prominent at the time. It’s human to do so since I think it is our nature to not want to be alone. I’ll close with some of the lyrics of Love’s Train. May they inspire you in your pursuit of happiness whether in love or something else.