I’m single and in my time in between relationships, let me just take the time to reflect on why I and most people struggle in some way with it as a Blerd (Black nerd) at my age.
1. Interracial Dating Is A Bit Touchy…I Guess
I’m not particularly iffy about who I try to date race wise truth be told; it doesn’t really matter on the whole. That being said, it can become a problem…if you’re a dick about it, and you can easily be a dick about it if you push an agenda that few and far between can get behind (more on that later) in this case, this would be racism. But for a lot of people, racism gets confused with having just another opinion; and there’s a simple way to know the difference: Is what I’m saying a generalization of a race of people? Am I rejecting this particular race based on actual preference and not out of prejudice?
I’ve me a lot of black women who have found love dating non-black men or straight up white guys. I’ve met white women who straight up don’t date black guys and I’ve met black guys who just don’t date black women because frankly they just don’t meet any who click with them AND are single. TBH, most of the time the black women those guys meet tend to have just stopped dating black guys themselves. I can’t say always, but I can say this is a common occurrence. However, as long as they aren’t saying things like “All black guys are thugs” or “All black women are mean and demanding” or the like; it’s all good.
Also, if you’re in an interracial relationship, it’s for the best to ignore the “you’re a traitor to your race” stuff. I know plenty of black women in interracial relationships and if they’re happy and aren’t a dick about it, I’m happy for them. But once someone starts using phrases like “negro bed wench”, I stop listening. I’m looking at you, Tariq Nasheed. Truth is, for a lot of people, sometimes to find love you have to go outside of your community and really there’s no shame in that. Hell, how many times have people never found a date in their area and gone to another community and found love there? This would be the part where I compare going to another state to find love to interracial dating, but I’m going to just let the obvious bridge itself.
2. Your Parent’s Advice Is Gonna Fail Most Of The Time As It’s 2016
If I can show any level of mercy towards those Meninist and Red Pill guys, it’s that while I don’t agree with their message or their methods for spreading it, I do kind of understand where they’re coming from on one level: dating in this day and age doesn’t make sense when you approach it with all of the knowledge and advice that most of us grew up receiving. But some of that knowledge is honestly bullshit. One of the main staples of a lot of bitter guys about dating is that girls don’t seem to like the nice guy but go for the asshole, but the honest truth is that it’s really not that complicated. Maybe she just likes going for guys based on looks, maybe she has a personality type she’s attracted to, maybe she’s just not into you; it’s really not that complicated.
But again, some things just don’t translate to modern day in terms of romantic gestures no matter how many times that weirdly homophobic Nicholas Sparks has them in his movies. Meeting women in real life is kinda awkward as you don’t know if your approach is street harassment or welcomed depending on the individual, and god help you when it comes to the whole idea of monogamy. Lots of unanswered questions about relationships, people coming up with one reason or another to not want to go into the usual relationship anymore (marriage, kids, living together)…it does get frustrating. Keep in mind most of our parents are Baby Boomers, so these are people who grew up during a time without technology to help them and when it was also okay to basically ignore personal space. Granted, my parents are Gen X’ers, but ONE of them basically still operates on a combination of baby boomer and Gen X rules. I’m literally expected by her to go for the woman who has everything and still provide everything if she should have me. Yeah…
3. Internet Dating Is The Devil
In the age of the internet giving all of us at the minimum the illusion of unlimited options, for a lot of people, it certainly feels tough to date as now you have to compete with the world. Now I know what you’re thinking: well, just lower your standards! Well, I have. A lot of people have. But the average millennial can follow me on the fact that we can be just as demanding as any shallow hot person. How many girls have finally found a guy who matches their standards on a dating site only for him to ice them by holding out for the girl who looks like Kehlani or Tinashe? How many guys have been iced out by a perfectly decent girl because she’s holding out for a guy who looks like Bryson Tiller or, god forbid, Chris Brown? It does get a bit frustrating.
To be fair though, myself and a lot of other millennials often make the mistake of aiming way too flipping high and claiming life isn’t fair. Look at me: I’m nearly 25 working in a restaurant full of mostly 18-22 year old co-eds. I’ve failed with flirting with them. If I were to say there’s no hope because THEY turned me down, I’d rightfully be laughed out of the argument. But with internet dating, it does get a bit frustrating when you’re 24 and it feels like you have to be balling out of control or an IG model to get anyone to inbox you.
4. Agendas Can Be A Pain
It’s good to meet people with common interests. It’s good to meet people you date with similar social political views. But I think it goes without saying, certain views narrow down the field for love. Just like it’s irrational for guys to hold out for the girl who looks like Teanna Trump who loves sports, video games and weed. I have to say that certain expectations of guys are a bit confusing, not in the demand, but in the reaction to the actual execution of said demands in guys. It’s one thing to expect a guy to understand simple concepts like agency, consent, not objectifying women and the like; but some things are a bit much. For example, as feminist as anyone may claim to be, it’s still pretty cruel to expect guys to seriously hate sex work such as prostitution, stripping & porn and not have an unattractive level of guilt with him. Not to mention expecting guys to get behind the “all men treat women like dogs” narrative is just sad. This is not to say men don’t treat women like shit, but to automatically expect guys to walk around with this guilt of other guys who may have hurt you that we don’t know, is by no means healthy. I can be a good man, I can be everything that guy wasn’t. But as a man, I can’t verbally whip myself over the fact guys I likely do not know or have any type of influence on did some shitty things in their past. And truth be told, the reason the term “white knight” is used as a pejorative is because if there’s anything equally patronizing to talking down to women, it’s constantly thinking you need to “save” women from choices they consciously make.
It’s expected at times and it’s just frustrating as a guy because we see those guys and truth be told, those guys are everything that’s allegedly in demand with these particular women, but yet these guys never get the girls. As guys, we see the hyper-afrocentric feminist ally guys who back women up when you yell that Adele is stealing soul from the umpteenth “R&B” singer making side chick songs, or that black men are color struck with their taste in black women. But yet we see loads of these guys bigging up these women, and we KNOW these guys aren’t getting any play. This is not to say guys should be total D-bags to women, but this also doesn’t mean you should not (dishonestly) dedicate yourself to, by scale, obscure values. I say obscure because the number of people who honestly have this level of extreme views aren’t…very…high.
Nevertheless, I still have hope that things will work out love wise with her or some other woman. And I hope the same for you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to work and not creep out the 19 year old at my job who likes to talk to me.