It all boils down to choice. The right choice. The wrong choice. Logical vs. emotional choices. Scared to make a choice. Too quick to make a choice. Didn’t have a choice. Too many choices. Choices may always seem plentiful until you really get to know yourself and figure out what it is that you really want. Then you see that what you want is rare or too unrealistic. Dating sucks!
At risk of being too transparent, I can honestly say that I’m tired to my soul with a case of chronic thin patience and not enough time to keep chasing waterfalls. Trust me, being a past part-time playa helps you see the world and people for what they are. You can see BS flying at you a mile away, per se. I now joke and say that I am retired, but keep the “rulebook” in my back pocket in case I need to use it. I am saying to use the rulebook not for gain but for recognizing game coming at you. Real talk.
Did I mention that dating sucks? Too many rules and social norms to prevent the endearing “how I met your (fill in blank)” stories that those many generations before us tell. I have become somewhat numb to disappointment after that girl you were talking to for a few weeks simply disappears without explanation. (Shhiii…I didn’t want you anyway…lol). At the same time, I fight the urge to not play out the passionate fire burning inside of me on someone who just told me that my arrangement with them is temporary or that I am a fill-in for something that they are not getting from the one that they really want. Basically, no seductive mixtape (shameless self-plug of my other Onyx Truth posts) for the “I’m-in-town-for-the-weekend” jump-off. Who wants to waste the energy, effort, and expectations on the wrong one?
I guess all of this is something that you don’t hear too many men say. I don’t think that I am simp-ish or too sensitive to be able to say that I long for that one who makes you feel as good as a love song and to have mutual admiration with someone building a strong foundation of trust (with some lust thrown in there). Others may only fill a temporary hole or pacify a seemingly unquenchable urge for the moment…but that’s it. I recognize and admit that I crave those blissful feelings and hold on to aspirations of finding it…one day. No rush though…no desperation. That is bound to bring more mistakes.
In summary, I am stuck…maybe even confused…by the experiences of my partially promiscuous past and the natural feeling of wanting to share life with someone special. Honestly, I think that my mind is somewhere stuck in the passion and sentiment of a 90’s R&B slow jam and between jaded experiences after many years of not getting it right. I pray for patience as desire propels me forward in the dating world and that I am not blinded by my ambition to find “the one”. I also hope that I am not too screwed up mentally, when the right one comes along, plagued by my self-defeating overthinking with possible scenarios swimming around blocking opportunities as I look for idealistic perfection.
Just my thoughts…
I usually like to give my commentary of songs that I like. This time, I think that I found a song that is commentary to my thoughts.