If You Had Only Known: A List

This is a list of things that, in my opinion, people should tell you as you rise through the ages into adulthood to make life a little more simple.

1.  Marriage is not for everyone.  Let’s just face it, some people out there really are not meant to be in a long-term committed relationship.  It is not in their programming.  Some of you know this.  However, some people choose to ignore their conscience and enter said arrangements then proceed to cause irreparable damage to another human’s mental, and sometimes physical, well-being.  Most adults (generalization) can identify these traits in young people.  You should definitely pull your offspring aside and be like, “look Rufus, you should just avoid marriage.  It’ll save everyone money, heartache, and trips to the Alabama state license plate factory.”  It’s not that hard.

2.  Breeding is DEFINITELY not for everyone.  I think there should be some kind of aptitude test for this.  But that is just me.  However, I will come back to most adults being able to identify traits that mark some people as….incapable of creating offspring that will benefit society.  Sadly, everyone is too afraid to tell little Johnny that his future kids may end up with three eyes and the personality of Jeffery Dahmer.

3.  Have kids they say, it will be fun they say.  Yes, this part may be true.  But what they don’t tell you is the little things you have to deal with daily to get through to the happy part.  I love my kids with all my heart and I would kill a mother fucker with another mother fucker to protect them.  But any parent will tell you, there are days when you want to grab that little turd by the ears and scream, “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!”  To me, it is worth it…..usually.  When I’m not losing sleep or feeling like a turd for telling my daughter to stand in a corner or some other form of punishment to drive home a life lesson, like don’t be a little turd.

4.  Paying for life sucks.  NO ONE tells you this usually.  I learned at a young age that you have to bust your ass to have a good life.  Some people seem to think shit is free and want hand outs.  Clearly not the case.  Especially when milk still costs more than gasoline.

5.  Adulthood sucks a lot more than kids think.  Nap time goes away in adulthood.  Unless you work for Google that is.  It’s not all fun and games when you have to get up everyday and work for some fuck face that thinks he is hot shit, all while making just enough not to go bankrupt or starve.

6.  Home ownership is no cake walk.  I have discussed this in a previous piece.  Feel free to educate yourself HERE.

7.  This one will get some heated reviews I think.  Education…yeah not really as important as they tell you it is.  Yes, I believe everyone should be forced through a minimum level of education.  However, college is not for everyone, nor will it get you a good job.  In today’s world, most companies want specific training or experience.  A college degree is great, but just remember this little quote.  “A’s get paid, but C’s get degrees.”  Yes, some level of higher education should be required, but this could be a trade school instead of a university.  Most European countries have figured this out.  Look it up.  Just my opinion.

8.  Food is definitely not free.  Remember when you were a kid and you would run in after playing stick ball with little Frankie and magically there would be fruit roll-ups or caviar just waiting for you?  Well some of us weren’t that fortunate but you catch the point you fucking snob.  Yeah, shit ain’t cheap is it.  I spend probably $20 on freaking Scooby Doo fruit snacks because they make my kid happy.  Feeding a family is expensive these days, and had I known this ten years ago…I probably would be in the same situation because I didn’t listen to people back then.

9.  Owning pets is similar to a combination of buying food and having kids.  Except pets can shit on the carpet, chew holes in your underwear, and provide zero to the equation except looking cute and making you feel like a goofy kid again when they cock their head to the side and make funny noises.  I think that covers that topic.

10.  Jobs are not fun….usually.  Granted, some people get to do what they love.  Strangely, I enjoy being in the military right now.  Some people, however, get stuck punching keyboards all day making minimum wage because their college degree means exactly jack-shit to businesses.  Why you ask?  Because said companies want experience, not some snot nosed little know-it-all that does a lot of talking and produces nothing more than a pile of shit for some more experienced person to clean up.  Of course, kids these days expect corner offices right out of the gate instead of having to prove their worth, but that is another discussion for another day.

I feel that these few items are a reasonable collection of common knowledge that you should be made aware of before jumping off the childhood cliff into the adulthood free fall.  Some people get a little but of this knowledge prior to starting real life, some don’t.  Then again, some just aren’t bright enough to make it through life successfully and they are the ones that end up on TV shows, showing Youtube videos of people floating refrigerators on inner-tubes in a swimming pool.

Just a guy with some years on him that calls it like I see it. My opinions my be offensive to some and funny to others. My goal is not to offend but to create asymmetric thought. So, if you’re offended…oh well. Maybe you deserved it.

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