I love the gym. Period. It’s my shit. It is what keeps me sane. It helps me focus. It keeps me from choking the shit out of stupid fuckers at work every day. Yet daily when I enter the gym, some dumb mother fucker comes in and attempts to ruin it for me. In some cases, it is merely an uneducated person who ends up being entertaining as I watch them attempt to squat, and fail, 165 pounds. In other cases it is some dick weed that thinks he is the hottest shit since Mt. Vesuvius shat all over Pompeii. Regardless, I would like to discuss things that should be considered when at the local house of iron.
Here are some simple gym rules to make your workout successful.
1. Please do not dress like you are a member of a dance troupe or brothel. You look like a douche. If you are a dude, please wear clothes that do not display your sweaty balls when you squat or get your sweaty back fur on the bench.
2. If you smell bad, you probably know you smell bad. Don’t kid yourself. You know you smell like the wrong end of a donkey after ten days of packing 50 kilos of coke through the mountains. Do us a favor and wear deodorant, body spray, or even pure gasoline, just for the love of god don’t walk by me smelling like death while I lift. Please.
3. DO NOT occupy space so you can flex in the mirror. No one cares about your spaghetti arms that finally have a visible vein. Spend less time impressing yourself and more time working. Science has proven it works.
4. If you can lift it, you can put it down relatively quietly. Notice I said relatively. I understand a failed rep, I understand an injury. I do not understand what is accomplished by throwing a 100 pound dumbbell on the floor, scaring the hell out of me and half the gym, then walking around like a crazed gorilla.
5. The gym is not your house. In fact, I can safely assume that if it was, you wouldn’t leave 3000 fucking pounds on the bar when you finish doing your 3 inch squats. If you put it on the bar, put that shit back on the rack when you are done.
6. Don’t give bad/shitty/dumb advice. If you have no idea what you are saying, most average gym goers will know. Just keep your mouth shut and continue doing neck raises with the prone leg curl machine.
7. Don’t hog equipment. I understand when your workout calls for a few extra sets of bench press. However, when there is only a small amount of those particular pieces of equipment, don’t camp on it like you are waiting for black Friday at Dunkin’ Donuts.
8. If I tell you I have two sets left, don’t expect me to rush them for you. I will finish on my own schedule. (Within reason) When you start to get pissy or ask constantly, I will add sets or move at the speed of smell.
Ladies and gents, I don’t ask for much. Good food, good beer, and a good workout at the gym. Just like any sane American. So please, follow these rules, use common sense, and don’t fuck up my only joy during the week.
Feel free to add to this.